rain,rain go away

2009-06-11T22:38:00.000+01:00

i want to touch your face and look into your eyes.

me again

2008-08-04T23:45:00.002+01:00

i haven't written here for ages. i have been this way always, never doing a damn thing complete.
you must be asleep now and making funny little voices you always do. wanted to delete some old posts but decided to keep it that way, they are stupid but they were my thoughts at the time.
went to doc today, nothing changed for better, things aren't that good, though not that bad but when in this, you don't make a good change, it is indeed bad. i am down a bit, u might say, i have always been lost but it was easy before. now it isn't because i fear i cant find the road again, i know you, mom and many would say things differently but i know myself well. i will more likely be one of those people who go to desert and sit and wait for their death instead of having the very best moment of their life in the remaining time.

2008-05-09T23:48:00.004+01:00

i love you kimi,and i feel more than ever stupid. not for loving u for not loving u enough? or not loving you the way i should? not showing it the way i should? i did nothing, i just stopped and thought by any chance everything would be fine.

2008-05-09T23:48:00.003+01:00

how long has it been?

I'M MAD

2008-05-09T23:47:00.000+01:00

2008-05-04T23:04:00.004+01:00

if you are reading this, smile big
i love your smile
and i don't like you calling urself a clown.did i ever tell u that?

i love you to be happy, i dont want you just make others happy.
when you are happy, those who are around you are happy.
your happiness is infectious. it goes to every one's heart and mind.
you are such a marvelous guy, a fabulous friend, which i am sure your friends know and they are so lucky to know you and i know you are also lucky to have mo, dude and don. you are what every lover, every friend would want to be. i wasn't lucky or better said brave enough to come forward and be with you.i adore you and love you and it has never stopped for a second.
tonite i am on edge, i sent you 3 musics.
i love you and you love me.

Boooo

2008-05-04T23:03:00.001+01:00

i miss calling you ya Boo

2008-05-04T22:43:00.002+01:00

you are back, though we don't talk like we used to do. we talk like grown ups, not sharing things, the little things, the little secrets, the little sharing.
remember you would tell me how excited you are for buying a shirt or snoopy t shirt?
then you would try me and ask me to tell you a secret. you always wanted secrets from me, like i was key holder to the crown jewels. you were never tired of asking and i loved it because you cared.did i ask enough from u? i always wanted to ask you about your ex's but i never did, i thought i don't have the right. i wish i could have shared more with you, share myself. i know with you i could have been happy. we could be the happiest. i blew the chance, i could have tried it like a one night thing, but i didn't because i know it was more. at first when i didn't know about the damn thing, i was scared and i would say to myself its soon to fall in love again when u r just done with David. i thought i was betraying him, i still don't know why i replied to you the first time, not that i regret.
i regret what happened next and i didn't move, i froze and closed every door u showed. i closed the little windows. i shut myself, i left you out, surrounded myself with my fears.
my fears, my pity for myself caused to ignore your love. at first i thought i might change, i might do something, like when i started calling you. wow what a day it was. my heart was jumping, i was in joy, all happy, with a stupid smiling face.
i remember all the laughs,all the jokes, all the little noises and my cries and i want so badly to pick phone and call you and wake you from ur sweet sleep and u with your sleepyhead voice will say: hey...

2008-03-06T23:57:00.003Z

you know what's bothering more? that you ignore me, of all things, even more than this thing i am carrying, i hate being ignored and you do it well.
or maybe you are not, maybe you have closed the chapter of paul piloo? maybe you burnt that book? maybe it was never opened? see

Roy Orbison - In The Real World

2008-03-06T23:40:00.002Z

2008-03-06T23:25:00.000Z

Talk to me, I am falling apart boo.

are you?

2008-03-04T22:04:00.001Z

hiding from me? are you signing out,whenever you see me online?

2008-02-18T10:30:00.003Z

are you reading here? i guess not or i am sure not,you've forgotten that i write in here.
this is my little diary and hehe you dont know about it.
i wanted to delete my facebook,but then again i wanted to keep it,because you are in it. the other day you sent me a gift.it had no message and i got the message.
i sometimes look at your drawings. you did none for me. why?
i am asking it because i feel jealous. you draw lots of them for others,but not for me.are you or were you in love with him? i know i wasn't real to you,so you had no obligation,but i so want to know the answer.

pain

2008-02-18T10:28:00.000Z

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

2008-02-18T10:25:00.002Z

It's a cold sunny day and i am sad.
i wake up everyday, i sleep every night
all the same.
i wait for you to show u, you dont
or even if you do, you dont even look at me.
the other day i went out,when i came back i saw a message, wow,i thought its from you.
but no,it was spam. it wasnt you.
you dont show up anymore, i guess you dont need to.
i am a closed chapter.

you

2008-02-18T10:24:00.001Z

My soul
Empty as the silence,
Empty with a vague,
Aching emptiness
Desiring,
Needing someone
Something ......

Between Going and Staying

2008-02-18T10:20:00.000Z

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.
All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.
Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.
Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.
The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.
I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.
The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause

2008-02-01T14:37:00.001Z

They don't know,
Those who don't live alone,
How frightening is
Soundlessness;
How a person talks to himself,
How he runs to mirrors,
Hungry for a soul,
They don't know it.

2008-02-01T14:03:00.001Z

did u listen to the song i posted on my facebook? i love her a lot and i have sent u her songs before.

2008-01-31T00:46:00.000Z

you know what is worst? i am online with yahoo messenger, you are online too. i wait for a message from you and it doesn't come. i watch your music, changing from one to another and i do not see musics we would hear, they are new ones or not the ones i know and i understand things have changed and you know how bad i am with change,but this is it and well nothing.

2008-01-31T00:45:00.000Z

miss you boo a lot. i always do.

2008-01-28T23:12:00.002Z

I haven't written here for a long time. For sometime i started writing in the sketch book i told you about, but when i went to LA, i stopped writing and drawing.
I deleted most of my drawings in face book also. I am sure you had a good laugh over them. Its like they were done by a 2 or 3 years old kid, not a grown up like me.
Tonight i am sad. I am listening to anouar brahem, but its not music who saddens me. Its you. You never painted for me, you have lots of drawing for many people, but not even one for me. Maybe i am jealous,you will call me stupid.
I miss you alot, I miss our talks,chats and emails. I know that i have lost you and deep in heart i knew i can never be with you. I am not close to you and your ideals, to your friends.
who am i? what makes me? if the situation were different,maybe things would be different too, but seriously i am no where close to you. You are an artist, a very talented one and what would i be? some bug attached to you. i have no talent. writting is a passion of mine but i never succeeded to do anything with it.
its good to write again,though my mind umps from one to another.its a sad night.

Leila au Pays du Carrousel- Anouar Brahem

2008-01-28T23:12:00.001Z

Where the Sidewalk Ends

2007-10-27T09:38:00.000+01:00

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

2007-09-10T00:11:00.000+01:00

2007-09-09T22:57:00.000+01:00

do not focus much on happiness because it will make u unhappy. pamuk said something like this. i do not focus on happiness,all i want is somehting els and i do not find it
it or i dont like the right places.whatever.

i want to come right there,just to say hello,walk by your side,eat an ice cream and laugh. life can sometimes be so easy and sometimes so harsh. i dont say its harsh now but its not easy.
or maybe i am not making things easy myself. you see during these years,i have emptied myself and i feel all i write is repeat of what you know and what i've said. mom says because things although have changed but the core issue has remained the same.she says i am too slow in moving forwars and jokes she's not sure i am her son because i am not like her or dad.

i ran away to amsetrdam,i didnt tell you that. when i went to doc,he said again what i am hearing for the past months,no progress but everything is fine. dont u think its stupid? so after telling me how great i am doing and i need to go on and setting another date for further tests,i came home,numb or maybe dumb.needed a change in air and place. i went by train and decided i will not continue this stupid medication and will face the consequences which i know and everybody knows is death. by the time i arrived amsterdam i was determined to do that and was at peace with my choice.

i went to van gogh and watched his works,from dark colors to the bright ones,the changing mood was obvious and i was again jealous,i always wanted to paint and draw.its the best way to express urself i think and i love it.

i then went and walked,i walked alot by water and saw the old boats. the weather was nice in the morning and later cold. the people were kind also,smiling and not with the stress i see here. i liked the city,its small but with good quality.
i went to wok to walk,a chineese and got a take away chicken noodles and walked and ate and it was delicous.
i bought chocolate for mom and there were no tulips so i bought a small wooden tulips as book marker.
it was a life i enjoy to live,quiet and in peace.so i thought why lose the chance even if its small,i dont know how long i will be around,it might be months or years,so why give up? so i am going to fight again.when i came back at 11 at night i called doc and said all in my mind.he was happy and told me to he's happy to hear this. i know being optimistic wont make this go away but still.
so this was my story.
my stories passed from 1001 nights boo,and i dont know how u bear with me?

2007-08-16T23:09:00.000+01:00

There is something like alcohol in the air;
It's making a guy like me feel bad, bad,
Especially if I'm also homesick;
Your lover one place,
You someplace else;
It's making a person like me feel sad, sad.

There is something like alcohol in the air;
It's making a guy like me drink, drink.

i felt jealous

2007-08-14T11:12:00.001+01:00

* They met randomly in 2006: and we clicked.... quickly then....

2007-08-14T09:21:00.000+01:00

2007-08-14T09:19:00.001+01:00

i lied to you that i do not feel any anger,i sometimes do and its too much.

2007-08-14T09:14:00.000+01:00

am a bit lost,i've always been lost

2007-08-10T22:26:00.000+01:00

i have a huge headache and a huger heartache.

2007-08-01T10:36:00.003+01:00

I have phrases and whole pages memorized,
but nothing can be told of love.
You must wait until you and I
are living together.
In the conversation we'll have
then...be patient...then.

rumi

2007-08-01T10:36:00.001+01:00

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along.

2007-08-01T10:02:00.000+01:00

"It only hurts when I'm breathing

My heart only breaks when it's beating"

2007-08-01T09:46:00.001+01:00

2007-05-07T10:29:00.000+01:00

When you want
to hold my hand
as you walk
your path
know that there are
two sets of
footprints in the sand
One day
the sun shall rise
and the ice will melt
the will be no you
nor I
When there are
no more footprints
to remember me by
glance at your hand
holding mine
for the sun has set
and the snow has melt.

2007-05-07T10:24:00.000+01:00

If you cannot join me
in my darkness
or weep as my heart breaks
I will ask what love is.
Will you buy me cigarettes
in the morning?
and serve me whiskey for lunch?
If you won't
I will ask what love is.
Can you see me in my empty eyes?
then feel the void in your heart?
If not, I will ask what love is.
In my asking
will you ask with me?
And if you shall
I will know what love is.

2007-05-07T10:19:00.000+01:00

if i tell you i love you,can i keep you forever?
you remmeber this phrase?

2007-05-07T10:14:00.000+01:00

there are times i cant stop thinking about you,missing you,writting about you or talking to you. i so badly miss your voice but i dont dare to call you,i know i might lose myself.i wanted to call you on ur brtday,at the exact time u were born but i didnt. i wanna hear your laughs,your tiny little voices,your silence.i miss you boo.

2007-05-07T10:10:00.000+01:00

sometimes i think everything is finished,that i should just wait,
but there are times when i think i should start things again but start what? i cant see anything in future,it scares me,i think about ot and when it comes to my mind that i might not be there it slaps me in the face.
i know it all may sound silly but i feel this way.

2007-04-07T21:51:00.000+01:00

...

2007-03-17T10:38:00.000Z

The song I came to sing
remains unsung to this day.
I have spent my days in stringing
and in unstringing my instrument.

The time has not come true,
the words have not been rightly set;
only there is the agony
of wishing in my heart.....

I have not seen his face,
nor have I listened to his voice;
only I have heard his gentle footsteps
from the road before my house.....

But the lamp has not been lit
and I cannot ask him into my house;
I live in the hope of meeting with him;
but this meeting is not yet.

2007-03-17T09:58:00.000Z

feeling like a shit
pain is too much and this fucking cold doesnt go away.
i hope i will get rid of this in la.
i am weak and was hopeless but with mom and you around,i wanna keep going and fight this thing.
i hope tests will be ok and i will return sooner.

2007-03-14T10:26:00.001Z

I must believe there is a tremble
in the peace, an energy in the last hush
that sets the blur of each face apart,
joking about itself between the breaths
of the everlasting song; I must believe
I will reach an hour in the next stage
of my sleep to see an eternal rebinding
of each unfinished, unanswered dream
from this half-waking side — a calm
guided back into night, a centerpoint
in the empyrean balancing an infinity
of dance steps back into what I must believe,
I must believe, of life. It need not be God
or anything too unaware of itself to be
anything but love; but if it is you,
if you are dancing, if it is no dream,
that would be enough.

2007-03-14T10:23:00.001Z

u're so funny and adorable
how i love thee boo

Above The Clouds

2007-03-14T09:50:00.000Z

There’s a place where the sun breaks through
And the wind bites cold and hard
Stings my ears and
Tears my eyes
When the day starts to shout out loud

Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds

When the light is against your face
And your smile is soft and sound
That’s when you tell me all your fears
and all your dreams
So proud

Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds

I try and tell you
to keep your head upright
Don’t swing your sword and shield against the night
Don’t block your blessings, boy
You don’t have to fight

Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds

2007-03-14T09:46:00.000Z

mom is upset,doono over me or because of the situation,
sorry ma

2007-03-14T09:43:00.000Z

these past few days,pain was killing.
i couldnt move,i couldnt breath and it was the worst time.
suz and her hubby in a friendly gesture told me you should have knows this would happen to you eventually by choosing this life style.
by saying life style its like am wearing gucci or versace!
its not hurting that much now but its upsetting indeed.

you told me this,in one flash when i insisted

2007-03-11T21:28:00.000Z

it doesn't matter how grey the sky is
or how troubled the river water by your feet
i would look in your eyes....
smell their color and paint with the reflections into them
smell your words.... your voice....
simply grasp your scent into my chest
seize the odor of your flesh and....
as light as the wind, i would embrace your being
your weak body and fly with it to another world
where....
the only scent we inhale is paradise,
or,
heaven.

2007-03-03T17:13:00.000Z

i dont know if i am hurting u more or myself?

2007-03-03T17:02:00.000Z

THE WEEPING WILLOW

Flowing was the water
showing in its mirror the willow trees.
The weeping willows in the water were washing their hair!
Striking the willows with their sparkling, bare swords
the red horsemen were running to where the sun sets!
Suddenly
like a bird
as if struck
in the wing
a wounded horseman rolled down from his horse!
He didn't shout,
he did'nt call back those who go along,
he just looked with brimming eyes
at the shining horseshoes of departing riders!

O what a pity!
What a pity for him that
no more he shall lie on the foaming necks of galloping horses,
no more he shall play his sword behind the white armies!

The sounds of the horseshoes fades away slowly,
the horsemen vanish at where the sun sets!

Horsemen horsemen red horsemen,
their horses winged with wind!
Their horses winged with...
Their horses winged...
Their horses...
Horse...

Life has passed like the wind winged horsemen!

The voice of the flowing water ceased.
The shadows shadowed
the colours wiped off.
Black coverings came down
over his blue eyes,
the weeping willows hung down
over his
yellow hair!

Weep not weeping willow
weep not,
in the mirror of the black water clasp not your hands!
clasp not your hands!
weep not!

for you

2007-03-03T17:01:00.000Z

2007-02-28T23:28:00.000Z

i feel tired,all the afternoon i had a terrible pain in stomach,one moment in bed,the other walking nonsense. i do not want to moan alot,because mom will worry.she already worries alot for me.
you asked me if i'd meet you,if you come here,i dont know.its hard now and it will be harder in that case.now i can force myself that you are not in my life,but then if you appear,what reason shall i find?

WHEN MY SORROW WAS BORN

2007-02-28T23:23:00.000Z

When my sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.
And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.
And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.
Amd when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.
And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neghbors sat at their windows and listenend; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.
And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.
But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.
And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.
And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.
And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.
Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, "See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead."

2007-02-27T23:18:00.000Z

with running nose,i have started to run again. i am getting tired soon, because i havent done this for a long time.
i saw again the couple who run together,it must feel good to run with someone, or maybe i am just melancholic of word "together".
i once dreamt being with you,would make us "US". it didnt happen,because of me,not because i didnt want to, or maybe i didnt want exactly for specific reasons you dont accept.

anyway you must be asleep now,good nite boo.

2007-02-27T23:14:00.000Z

2007-02-27T23:12:00.000Z

i do feel like i am a burden for you.
i know you love me but meanwhile being in touch with me and me reminding you of your love,makes you suffer.
i might be wrong and thinking highly of myself but i dont want to add salt to your wounds boo.

2007-02-27T10:25:00.000Z

You still need a reason.

That’s what you tell yourself as you sit there, constantly tapping away at the wall beside you, then at the side of your head and back again, slamming your fingers over and over against your own skull until they turn numb, just aware enough of it as you’re doing it to hate yourself for the stupid meaninglessness of it, but never aware enough to tell yourself why you’re doing it, to see some pattern in this burst of idiotic chaos.

You still need a reason for it when you crawl into bed and spend what seems like hours rubbing your face into your pillow,its like you’re not really there in the bed, and able to let yourself sleep, until you’ve made yourself raw with its subtle and strange roughness.

You still need a reason for the way you’re not at a place until you’ve felt it, the way you’re not really there in that moment until the cold marble and crumbling stone of it has left some subtle sensation in your fingertips.

You still need a reason for the way you laugh when nothing around you is funny.

2007-02-27T10:15:00.000Z

My hands
open the curtains of your being
clothe you in a further nudity
uncover the bodies of your body
My hands
invent another body for your body

2007-02-27T09:48:00.000Z

i have cold,a running nose,the worst headache
its like someone is inside my head drilling something.
but am fine,you are here,you are sad,you are here.

2007-02-22T10:55:00.000Z

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Between Going and Staying

2007-02-17T08:47:00.001Z

2007-02-10T00:02:00.000Z

SEPARATION


I stand behind the boat, watching;
I cannot jump into the water, the world is lovely;
I am also a man, after all; I can't cry.

2007-02-10T00:01:00.000Z

Now i lay(with everywhere around)

me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--

now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain

are given;and given is how beautifully snow)

now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)

something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring

2007-01-20T23:34:00.000Z

2006-12-24T22:10:00.000Z

up and down

down

its christmas

its so cliche to say i wish you all the best.

i will miss you boo,merry christmas.

big smiles,the biggest for you

for you,kimi

2006-11-02T09:49:00.002Z

loving you
is like drinking sea water.
the more i drink
the thirstier i become,
untl nothing can slake my thirst
but to drink the entire sea.

2006-11-02T09:49:00.001Z

this is the window you opened to me.its beautiful,isnt it?

2006-11-02T09:49:00.000Z

things have changed completly during the past months,its on a different track and i never ever thought that this might happen and now i am more than happy to see this happening.its like a long lost dream to happen.
kimi,thnx for making it happen.

2006-03-01T21:03:00.002Z

I still believe I hear
hidden beneath the
palm trees
your voice tender and
deep
like the song of a dove
oh night enchantress
divine rapture
delightful thought
mad intoxication,
sweet dream
in the clear starlight
I still believe I see
in between the long
sails
of the warm night
breeze
oh night...

2006-03-01T21:03:00.001Z

there are books unread everywhere,movies unseen and musics unheard.
there are places unseen,things not done and most of all feelings untouched..

2006-03-01T21:03:00.000Z

how can i find a magical brush to erase certain things from my life?how can i have a magical pen to rewrite parts of my life?

2006-02-25T21:12:00.000Z

It only hurts when i am breathing

2005-02-16T21:24:00.000Z

i am feeling a little down tonite,its about 1 am and still am awake.i've drunk half bottle mexican tequila but no affect.what are you doing now?maybe asleep or maybe awake still,listening to music or reading book or just thinking.i feel lonley tonite and i wished i had a company.

2005-02-07T18:48:00.000Z

i miss home and so many things other.tomorrow i am going to visit david in the morning.its cold here and i feel the cold.i used to like snow and rain but now?!

Bad faith

2005-02-06T21:37:00.001Z

I have lost the path and stand at the foot of what seems to be an insurmountable slope. As the height of the thing and the length of my journey become clearer in my consciousness, there comes a distinct desperation, a sadness only arising from the choice between two implausibles. I've come so far... and only to be faced by an obstacle that is seemingly insurmountable. Must the terrifying grade be attempted? Better yet, can it be attempted? With what despondency would I turn back. Uncertain annihilation lies ahead and a certain more subtle obliteration behind.
The sun is setting and the rocks grow cold. If I remain here I am certain I will fade by the time the ice comes into being, in the twilight well before dawn. Yet the thought of staying fills me with such peace... such cessation of despair, that I consider it a little longer. Yes, this may be the best option. No desperate attempts, no brokenhearted retreats. Without even moving, I find I am quite comfortable, and that the stars will not quite admit utter darkness this night. In doing nothing I find there is nothing to fear, and I in a little while I will fall asleep.

You Know

2005-02-06T21:37:00.000Z

You only love what you cannot touch, for you know that your touch would mar any object of love beyond recognizability. You love what is fleeting only because it has no regard for you, can never be hurt or destroyed by you.

And you dream of being equally untouchable, you sit and think of the perfect love: some divine dualism where each regards the other equally and neither is capable of inflicting pain or suffering it.

People generally don't understand how this could be love. They're so used to, so hardened by, being with one another that they just assume love always entails pain.

We watchers of cloud, tracers of stars, we collectors of broken glass and broken light, we who love with camera and pen, with mind and soul, we know.

despair

2005-02-05T14:34:00.000Z

today went to a new doctor cause mom wasnt satisfied with the other one and she changed all my pills and gave my some other ones.the doctor was cool and she was trying to make me speak with her but i didnt feel it.i dont feel nothing at all.i know i make mom worried but i cant help myself.i am in total despair,total!

Answer Me...

2005-02-04T16:51:00.001Z

If you cannot join me
in my darknessor weep as my heart breaks
I will ask what love is.
Will you buy me cigarettesin the morning?
and serve me whiskey for lunch?
If you won'tI will ask what love is.
Can you see me in my empty eyes?
then feel the void in your heart?
If not, I will ask what love is.
In my askingwill you ask with me?
And if you shallI will know what love is

i miss you

2005-02-04T16:51:00.000Z

SEPARATION

2005-02-03T21:23:00.002Z

I stand behind the boat, watching;
I cannot jump into the water, the world is lovely;
I am also a man, after all; I can't cry.

feeling

2005-02-03T21:23:00.000Z

another day gone and nothing from you.david is the same and i am just feeling more and more pain.in and out.my right shoulder to right side of chest aches for past 2 days.i dont know why,hope it goes tonite.i feel lonely,very lonely

nostalgia

2005-02-03T06:41:00.008Z

this is for you,i think you'll like it
la juda ria

2005-02-03T06:41:00.003Z

my uncle passed away age 78.

Don't

2005-02-03T06:41:00.002Z

I'm tired Very soon I will try to agree,
Very soon I will try to accept,
That I lived in this world like a free,
Man, who couldn't lie and suspect
Very soon I’ll be tired of love,
I'll be tired of books on the shelve,
Like a hand from an old yellow glove
I will take off the life from myself
I'm so tired; please don't look that way,
I don't want you believe me like that,
I just need to sleep over the life,
With my soul, but not with my eyesSure,
I know what you're going to say,Sure,
I’m sure that you'll say that right now...
I'm tired, I don't know of what,
I'm tired; don't speak with me now...

2005-02-03T06:41:00.001Z

Your magic look makes me tremble.
Come, envelop me like a sweet cloud.
Bite my lips, let them bleed,
Destroy my life laughingly and run away.

2005-02-03T06:41:00.000Z

i still dont feel fine but who cares?i dont

pain

2005-02-01T17:44:00.000Z

i feel no good,i have both physical and non physical pain,i want to cry but a big boy doesnt cry,i should hide my emotions.paul the icy man!
i am listeing to joshua bell's romance of the viollin,the peice is o mio babbino caro.i llove the sound of violin.i love cello,and flute but never played them.i wish i could,i think with playing these instruments or anything other you could empty your soul.but i do nothing with my useless self!what a waste i am

my mind

2005-02-01T15:29:00.000Z

you know what i would love right now?an ice cream with an empty mind.my mind is always speaking and i have lost the key to shut it.when i am awake,in sleep its always talking,talking nonsense,wish there was a way to stop it.

cold

2005-02-01T15:22:00.000Z

its been cold or maybe i feel cold.i have a right shoulder pain and i dont know whats the reason is.mom says if it keeps going on,should check it with doc.today i visited david.sometime i wish he shouldnt be disturbed like this,and his parents should let him free but then i say its cruel and unfair.my decesions like myself are confusing these days.i have not heard from kimi either in past couple of days.

What a Wonderful World

2005-01-31T21:10:00.000Z

This is another example of my silly works,i am writing here cause i am desperate,miserable.
eva cassidy is singing what a wonderful world and i am singing and i wanna scream with her,maybe she can hear in above that this is a really wonderful world to me.

I see trees that are green and red roses too
I watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself oh what a wonderful world

here its written this was the last song she performed on stage before she died.
god how i wish things were a bit diferent now
i am sad tonite