do not focus much on happiness because it will make u unhappy. pamuk said something like this. i do not focus on happiness,all i want is somehting els and i do not find it
it or i dont like the right places.whatever.

i want to come right there,just to say hello,walk by your side,eat an ice cream and laugh. life can sometimes be so easy and sometimes so harsh. i dont say its harsh now but its not easy.
or maybe i am not making things easy myself. you see during these years,i have emptied myself and i feel all i write is repeat of what you know and what i've said. mom says because things although have changed but the core issue has remained the same.she says i am too slow in moving forwars and jokes she's not sure i am her son because i am not like her or dad.

i ran away to amsetrdam,i didnt tell you that. when i went to doc,he said again what i am hearing for the past months,no progress but everything is fine. dont u think its stupid? so after telling me how great i am doing and i need to go on and setting another date for further tests,i came home,numb or maybe dumb.needed a change in air and place. i went by train and decided i will not continue this stupid medication and will face the consequences which i know and everybody knows is death. by the time i arrived amsterdam i was determined to do that and was at peace with my choice.

i went to van gogh and watched his works,from dark colors to the bright ones,the changing mood was obvious and i was again jealous,i always wanted to paint and draw.its the best way to express urself i think and i love it.

i then went and walked,i walked alot by water and saw the old boats. the weather was nice in the morning and later cold. the people were kind also,smiling and not with the stress i see here. i liked the city,its small but with good quality.
i went to wok to walk,a chineese and got a take away chicken noodles and walked and ate and it was delicous.
i bought chocolate for mom and there were no tulips so i bought a small wooden tulips as book marker.
it was a life i enjoy to live,quiet and in peace.so i thought why lose the chance even if its small,i dont know how long i will be around,it might be months or years,so why give up? so i am going to fight again.when i came back at 11 at night i called doc and said all in my mind.he was happy and told me to he's happy to hear this. i know being optimistic wont make this go away but still.
so this was my story.
my stories passed from 1001 nights boo,and i dont know how u bear with me?