i am feeling a little down tonite,its about 1 am and still am awake.i've drunk half bottle mexican tequila but no affect.what are you doing now?maybe asleep or maybe awake still,listening to music or reading book or just thinking.i feel lonley tonite and i wished i had a company.

i miss home and so many things other.tomorrow i am going to visit david in the morning.its cold here and i feel the cold.i used to like snow and rain but now?!

Bad faith

I have lost the path and stand at the foot of what seems to be an insurmountable slope. As the height of the thing and the length of my journey become clearer in my consciousness, there comes a distinct desperation, a sadness only arising from the choice between two implausibles. I've come so far... and only to be faced by an obstacle that is seemingly insurmountable. Must the terrifying grade be attempted? Better yet, can it be attempted? With what despondency would I turn back. Uncertain annihilation lies ahead and a certain more subtle obliteration behind.
The sun is setting and the rocks grow cold. If I remain here I am certain I will fade by the time the ice comes into being, in the twilight well before dawn. Yet the thought of staying fills me with such peace... such cessation of despair, that I consider it a little longer. Yes, this may be the best option. No desperate attempts, no brokenhearted retreats. Without even moving, I find I am quite comfortable, and that the stars will not quite admit utter darkness this night. In doing nothing I find there is nothing to fear, and I in a little while I will fall asleep.

You Know

You only love what you cannot touch, for you know that your touch would mar any object of love beyond recognizability. You love what is fleeting only because it has no regard for you, can never be hurt or destroyed by you.

And you dream of being equally untouchable, you sit and think of the perfect love: some divine dualism where each regards the other equally and neither is capable of inflicting pain or suffering it.

People generally don't understand how this could be love. They're so used to, so hardened by, being with one another that they just assume love always entails pain.

We watchers of cloud, tracers of stars, we collectors of broken glass and broken light, we who love with camera and pen, with mind and soul, we know.

despair

today went to a new doctor cause mom wasnt satisfied with the other one and she changed all my pills and gave my some other ones.the doctor was cool and she was trying to make me speak with her but i didnt feel it.i dont feel nothing at all.i know i make mom worried but i cant help myself.i am in total despair,total!

Answer Me...

If you cannot join me
in my darknessor weep as my heart breaks
I will ask what love is.
Will you buy me cigarettesin the morning?
and serve me whiskey for lunch?
If you won'tI will ask what love is.
Can you see me in my empty eyes?
then feel the void in your heart?
If not, I will ask what love is.
In my askingwill you ask with me?
And if you shallI will know what love is

i miss you

SEPARATION

I stand behind the boat, watching;
I cannot jump into the water, the world is lovely;
I am also a man, after all; I can't cry.

feeling

another day gone and nothing from you.david is the same and i am just feeling more and more pain.in and out.my right shoulder to right side of chest aches for past 2 days.i dont know why,hope it goes tonite.i feel lonely,very lonely

nostalgia

this is for you,i think you'll like it
la juda ria

my uncle passed away age 78.

Don't

I'm tired Very soon I will try to agree,
Very soon I will try to accept,
That I lived in this world like a free,
Man, who couldn't lie and suspect
Very soon I’ll be tired of love,
I'll be tired of books on the shelve,
Like a hand from an old yellow glove
I will take off the life from myself
I'm so tired; please don't look that way,
I don't want you believe me like that,
I just need to sleep over the life,
With my soul, but not with my eyesSure,
I know what you're going to say,Sure,
I’m sure that you'll say that right now...
I'm tired, I don't know of what,
I'm tired; don't speak with me now...

Your magic look makes me tremble.
Come, envelop me like a sweet cloud.
Bite my lips, let them bleed,
Destroy my life laughingly and run away.

i still dont feel fine but who cares?i dont

pain

i feel no good,i have both physical and non physical pain,i want to cry but a big boy doesnt cry,i should hide my emotions.paul the icy man!
i am listeing to joshua bell's romance of the viollin,the peice is o mio babbino caro.i llove the sound of violin.i love cello,and flute but never played them.i wish i could,i think with playing these instruments or anything other you could empty your soul.but i do nothing with my useless self!what a waste i am

my mind

you know what i would love right now?an ice cream with an empty mind.my mind is always speaking and i have lost the key to shut it.when i am awake,in sleep its always talking,talking nonsense,wish there was a way to stop it.

cold

its been cold or maybe i feel cold.i have a right shoulder pain and i dont know whats the reason is.mom says if it keeps going on,should check it with doc.today i visited david.sometime i wish he shouldnt be disturbed like this,and his parents should let him free but then i say its cruel and unfair.my decesions like myself are confusing these days.i have not heard from kimi either in past couple of days.