i feel tired,all the afternoon i had a terrible pain in stomach,one moment in bed,the other walking nonsense. i do not want to moan alot,because mom will worry.she already worries alot for me.
you asked me if i'd meet you,if you come here,i dont know.its hard now and it will be harder in that case.now i can force myself that you are not in my life,but then if you appear,what reason shall i find?

WHEN MY SORROW WAS BORN

When my sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.
And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.
And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.
Amd when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.
And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neghbors sat at their windows and listenend; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.
And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.
But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.
And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.
And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.
And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.
Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, "See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead."

with running nose,i have started to run again. i am getting tired soon, because i havent done this for a long time.
i saw again the couple who run together,it must feel good to run with someone, or maybe i am just melancholic of word "together".
i once dreamt being with you,would make us "US". it didnt happen,because of me,not because i didnt want to, or maybe i didnt want exactly for specific reasons you dont accept.

anyway you must be asleep now,good nite boo.

i do feel like i am a burden for you.
i know you love me but meanwhile being in touch with me and me reminding you of your love,makes you suffer.
i might be wrong and thinking highly of myself but i dont want to add salt to your wounds boo.

You still need a reason.

That’s what you tell yourself as you sit there, constantly tapping away at the wall beside you, then at the side of your head and back again, slamming your fingers over and over against your own skull until they turn numb, just aware enough of it as you’re doing it to hate yourself for the stupid meaninglessness of it, but never aware enough to tell yourself why you’re doing it, to see some pattern in this burst of idiotic chaos.

You still need a reason for it when you crawl into bed and spend what seems like hours rubbing your face into your pillow,its like you’re not really there in the bed, and able to let yourself sleep, until you’ve made yourself raw with its subtle and strange roughness.

You still need a reason for the way you’re not at a place until you’ve felt it, the way you’re not really there in that moment until the cold marble and crumbling stone of it has left some subtle sensation in your fingertips.

You still need a reason for the way you laugh when nothing around you is funny.

My hands
open the curtains of your being
clothe you in a further nudity
uncover the bodies of your body
My hands
invent another body for your body

i have cold,a running nose,the worst headache
its like someone is inside my head drilling something.
but am fine,you are here,you are sad,you are here.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Between Going and Staying

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.
All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.
Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.
Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.
The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.
I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.
The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause

SEPARATION

I stand behind the boat, watching;
I cannot jump into the water, the world is lovely;
I am also a man, after all; I can't cry.

Now i lay(with everywhere around)

me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--

now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain

are given;and given is how beautifully snow)

now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)

something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring