i want to touch your face and look into your eyes.

me again

i haven't written here for ages. i have been this way always, never doing a damn thing complete.
you must be asleep now and making funny little voices you always do. wanted to delete some old posts but decided to keep it that way, they are stupid but they were my thoughts at the time.
went to doc today, nothing changed for better, things aren't that good, though not that bad but when in this, you don't make a good change, it is indeed bad. i am down a bit, u might say, i have always been lost but it was easy before. now it isn't because i fear i cant find the road again, i know you, mom and many would say things differently but i know myself well. i will more likely be one of those people who go to desert and sit and wait for their death instead of having the very best moment of their life in the remaining time.

i love you kimi,and i feel more than ever stupid. not for loving u for not loving u enough? or not loving you the way i should? not showing it the way i should? i did nothing, i just stopped and thought by any chance everything would be fine.

how long has it been?

I'M MAD

if you are reading this, smile big
i love your smile
and i don't like you calling urself a clown.did i ever tell u that?

i love you to be happy, i dont want you just make others happy.
when you are happy, those who are around you are happy.
your happiness is infectious. it goes to every one's heart and mind.
you are such a marvelous guy, a fabulous friend, which i am sure your friends know and they are so lucky to know you and i know you are also lucky to have mo, dude and don. you are what every lover, every friend would want to be. i wasn't lucky or better said brave enough to come forward and be with you.i adore you and love you and it has never stopped for a second.
tonite i am on edge, i sent you 3 musics.
i love you and you love me.

Boooo

i miss calling you ya Boo

you are back, though we don't talk like we used to do. we talk like grown ups, not sharing things, the little things, the little secrets, the little sharing.
remember you would tell me how excited you are for buying a shirt or snoopy t shirt?
then you would try me and ask me to tell you a secret. you always wanted secrets from me, like i was key holder to the crown jewels. you were never tired of asking and i loved it because you cared.did i ask enough from u? i always wanted to ask you about your ex's but i never did, i thought i don't have the right. i wish i could have shared more with you, share myself. i know with you i could have been happy. we could be the happiest. i blew the chance, i could have tried it like a one night thing, but i didn't because i know it was more. at first when i didn't know about the damn thing, i was scared and i would say to myself its soon to fall in love again when u r just done with David. i thought i was betraying him, i still don't know why i replied to you the first time, not that i regret.
i regret what happened next and i didn't move, i froze and closed every door u showed. i closed the little windows. i shut myself, i left you out, surrounded myself with my fears.
my fears, my pity for myself caused to ignore your love. at first i thought i might change, i might do something, like when i started calling you. wow what a day it was. my heart was jumping, i was in joy, all happy, with a stupid smiling face.
i remember all the laughs,all the jokes, all the little noises and my cries and i want so badly to pick phone and call you and wake you from ur sweet sleep and u with your sleepyhead voice will say: hey...

you know what's bothering more? that you ignore me, of all things, even more than this thing i am carrying, i hate being ignored and you do it well.
or maybe you are not, maybe you have closed the chapter of paul piloo? maybe you burnt that book? maybe it was never opened? see

Roy Orbison - In The Real World

Talk to me, I am falling apart boo.

are you?

hiding from me? are you signing out,whenever you see me online?

are you reading here? i guess not or i am sure not,you've forgotten that i write in here.
this is my little diary and hehe you dont know about it.
i wanted to delete my facebook,but then again i wanted to keep it,because you are in it. the other day you sent me a gift.it had no message and i got the message.
i sometimes look at your drawings. you did none for me. why?
i am asking it because i feel jealous. you draw lots of them for others,but not for me.are you or were you in love with him? i know i wasn't real to you,so you had no obligation,but i so want to know the answer.

pain

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It's a cold sunny day and i am sad.
i wake up everyday, i sleep every night
all the same.
i wait for you to show u, you dont
or even if you do, you dont even look at me.
the other day i went out,when i came back i saw a message, wow,i thought its from you.
but no,it was spam. it wasnt you.
you dont show up anymore, i guess you dont need to.
i am a closed chapter.

you

My soul
Empty as the silence,
Empty with a vague,
Aching emptiness
Desiring,
Needing someone
Something ......

Between Going and Staying

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.
All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.
Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.
Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.
The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.
I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.
The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause